Indiana Jones opens a heavy timber door inside the passageway of Disneyland’s Sleeping Beauty Castle and heads down a spiral stone staircase. In the basement, the Disney princesses lounge around a lavish living room while chatting and sipping wine. On the other side of the room, some of the best-known animals from Disney films busily operate television cameras, lighting rigs and boom microphones as they film the proceedings.
“Scene five, take seven, Real Princesses of Disneyland,” says Timon, holding a clapperboard.
Abu the monkey balances a boom microphone over the living room couches. Thumper the rabbit adjusts a softbox light. Sebastian the crab mans the controls of the television studio pedestal camera. The meerkat snaps the clapperboard before hurrying off the reality TV show set. Standing in the shadows, Indy waits for a break in the filming.
“And action,” Tiana says, sitting in the director’s chair.
Tiana looks radiant in a Disneybound green blouse with a frog brooch, skin-tight purple jeans and sparkling gold flats. But Indy’s biased, of course.
At Tiana’s feet, Jaq and Gus quietly supervise the smaller animals from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” “Cinderella” and “Bambi” who busily scurry behind the scenes as gaffers and grips.
The princesses casually recline on chaise lounges, fainting couches and scrolled-end recamiers in the royal sitting room designed in the elaborately-ornamental baroque style. Royal blue drapes add warmth and coziness to the stone walls of the windowless subterranean room. A hand-woven tapestry depicting all the princesses in their regal finery hangs above an ostentatious fireplace with a crackling fire.
“Men are always fawning over you,” Aurora says as if reading stiffly from a script.
“You should talk,” Ariel says in an equally forced fashion. “You’re always on Tinder.”
“I’m sure you have more suitors than I do,” Aurora replies.
“How dare you,” says Ariel, tossing a glass of wine in Aurora’s face.
Indy has seen these two fight about boyfriends dozens of times. Ariel always seems to get what she wants and lately what she wants is a different guy to take her to dinner every night. And Aurora? Well they don’t call her Sleeping Beauty for nothing. Let’s just say she gets around. But somehow the presence of the cameras has brought out the bad actresses in all the princesses.
“OK, cut!” says a frustrated Tiana, slumping in the director’s chair.
In a hushed voice, Tiana consults with her stage crew. Indy knows exactly what she’s telling her animal helpers: Keep rolling. No matter what. Tiana has been trying for weeks to film the reality television show pilot with little success. The painful process has taken a toll on the tough-as-nails frog princess. Jaq and Gus dab Aurora’s face with a towel.
“Do you think you could yell cut before she throws the glass of wine in my face for the seventh time,” says an angry Aurora.
Walking onto the set, Tiana gives Sebastian a quick glance, who makes an OK sign with his claw.
“Nobody says ‘suitor’ anymore, Aurora,” Tiana says. “You need to be casual, contemporary, unscripted.”
Aurora shoos away the mice attending to her hair and make-up.
“I’m just staying in character,” says an exasperated Aurora.
“But we’re supposed to be behind the scenes with the real princesses,” Tiana says, turning to address everyone. “We don’t want the characters you play in the park.”
“There’s no way Disney is ever going to go for this,” says Cinderella, an old school play-by-the-rules kind of girl.
Cindy is right, of course. Disney will never green light this project. But Indy would never tell Tiana that. An old flame at the A&E network has promised Tiana that he can get a prime slot for “Real Princesses of Disneyland” if they can ever finish filming the pilot.
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Sample chapters
Prologue: Once Upon a Time
Chapter 1: Wonderful World of Disney
Chapter 2: A Whole New World
Chapter 3: Exile on Main Street USA
Chapter 4: Evil Plans
Chapter 5: Real Princesses of Disneyland
Chapter 6: Action Figure
Chapter 7: Code R
Chapter 8: Common Foes
Chapter 9: Peace, Love & Mickey
Chapter 10: Operation Death Star
Chapter 11: Frozen Ever After
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