4
Evil Plans
Gaston snatches a blunderbuss with a flared muzzle off the Club 33 wall and swings the muzzle-loaded shotgun over his shoulder. Wearing his signature red tunic, black tights and hunting boots, the blockheaded town hero peers into a wall mirror with an arched eyebrow, strokes his big cleft chin and admires his athletic build.
“She’s the one,” Gaston says, suddenly pointing the gun at Aladdin.
The shirtless street rat in the purple vest and red fez grabs a book from a nearby shelf and flips it open, immediately assuming the role of Belle from “Beauty and the Beast.” The heroes and alpha males drinking with Gaston sense his theatrical intentions and eagerly join the performance developing in the middle of the private dining room.
“The inventor’s daughter?” says Peter Pan in his best Lefou accent.
“The lucky girl I’m going to marry,” bellows Gaston, loud enough to be heard by the entire room.
Aladdin twirls a finger in his shaggy black hair, absorbed in his upside down book as he wanders about the private club pretending to be unaware of Gaston’s attentions.
“But she’s...” says Pan with dramatic flair.
Gaston grabs Aladdin and squeezes him tight in a ham-handed romantic embrace.
“The most beautiful girl in town,” says Gaston to uproarious laughter.
Most of the other Disney characters in the luxurious dining room ignore the impromptu thespianism, a regular occurrence at the after-hours gathering.
Indiana Jones watches the show from a nearby table. Gaston sure is comfortable with himself. If only Indy’s life was that uncomplicated.
“Do you think we can ever change who we are?” Indy asks.
“Who would ever want to be anyone else?” says Darth Vader, checking text messages on his smart phone. “We’re awesome.”
Mickey Mouse works the room, a cigar in one hand and a drink in the other. He’s complaining to a table full of villains about Minnie, who is upset about his wandering eye.
“Can I help it if I got a thing for Tinker Bell?” Mickey says with a shrug. “Am I not a mouse?”
Pulling up a chair with Indy and Darth, Mickey kicks his large yellow shoes up on the table. At the club entrance, Oswald the Rabbit and a bunch of Yesterlanders enter to a smattering of applause.
“Indy here was just telling me how terrible it is being the greatest hero in cinematic history,” Darth says.
“Yeah, it must be rough dating all those princesses,” says Mickey, dripping with sarcasm. “Are you having trouble remembering all their names?”
At the next table, an even taller cup pyramid reaches toward the ceiling at the Sidekicks table.
“Actually, I’m the second greatest behind Atticus Finch,” Indy says in mock humility.
“Yeah, I imagine Old Atticus has fallen a few notches since the new book came out,” Darth says with a chuckle.
Nearby, Olaf argues with Genie about the Sidekicks’ cup-stacking strategy
“Let’s see, there’s Cindy, Snow and Tiana,” says Mickey, counting the fingers on his white-gloved hand. “I can’t keep up anymore.”
The Seven Dwarfs hang upside down from the chandeliers as they carefully place cups on the tippy-top of the teetering pyramid.
“But haven’t you ever wanted to be somebody else?” Indy says.
“Like who?” Darth says.
“I always thought I’d make a pretty good Han Solo,” says Indy, wincing at what he knows comes next.
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Sample chapters
Prologue: Once Upon a Time
Chapter 1: Wonderful World of Disney
Chapter 2: A Whole New World
Chapter 3: Exile on Main Street USA
Chapter 4: Evil Plans
Chapter 5: Real Princesses of Disneyland
Chapter 6: Action Figure
Chapter 7: Code R
Chapter 8: Common Foes
Chapter 9: Peace, Love & Mickey
Chapter 10: Operation Death Star
Chapter 11: Frozen Ever After
